I frequently wax lyrical about the depths of despair I plummet to when depressed, but there’s a reason I fight the need to medicate my bipolar disorder – mania.
For me, when I’m experiencing it – a manic episode is a beautiful, beautiful thing. For those trying to live with me while I’m experiencing it – it’s exhausting, and sometimes frightening.
This time around, I’ve been lucky.
For the last couple of weeks I’ve been on fast-forward. Surviving on 4-5 hours sleep, one meal a day, frequently working 12-hours a day and powering on at home as well. This weekend I rebuilt my computer; forensically cleaned my whole 4-bedroom-house (I even washed the washing-machine!) and still found time to watch three movies, have a couple of social outings and do all of the ironing. This was on top of completing a mountain of office work, (akin to 2-3 days worth) after having finished work late on Friday night.
This time, it’s been a vital burst of productivity that’s coincided with a peak-need at work. It’s not always such a positive experience.
Often it’s only afterwards that the trail of human carnage becomes clear – the friendships I’ve impatiently and selfishly severed because they became too demanding, didn’t share my vision or passion, or seemed too much like hard work; the staff reporting to me who’ve felt intimated by my emails at un-Godly hours of the night/morning, or my barbed criticisms. The partners I’ve left based on some burning insight I felt I’d had – no breakthroughs, just break-ups. I can be a hard task-master at the best of times – prone to being judgemental, self-righteous and outspoken, but when I’m manic – I’m uncompromising and unbearable. Sometimes the wreckage is financial – in the past I’ve bought tonnes of gadgets I didn’t need or want, clothes, expensive gifts for friends, stupid items for hobbies that are fleeting fads. I’ve even bought a new car and a new house!
Those that see me on a high think I’m driven and focussed; they don’t see me when I’m depressed and dysfunctional – I tend to hibernate at those times. When I’m hyper though, I’m the life of the party. Often I become animated; gregariously social, but sometimes it can tip over and become a destructive force – at those times I’m obnoxious, rude, demanding and downright aggressive. I’m not going to discuss what a manic episode does to my sensual self, but as you can imagine – it’s not pretty.
While I may not like who I am when I’m manic – I do like how it feels to be productive, to feel powerful, driven and totally in-control of your own destiny. The self-belief, focus and energy that comes with a manic episode is something that mere mortals pay a fortune on illicit drugs to experience – yet my high is totally free!
The manic-upswing is one hypnotic little beastie, nigh on impossible to harness, but, for this week at least – I’m enjoying the roller-coaster!
