Fish – needs bicycle

Searching for a partner can be a traumatic experience. Often we look for partners that will complete us, not complement us. We say it all the time:

‘he completes me’

‘she’s my better half’

Besides being nauseating company, becoming achingly-co-dependent is dangerous.
When rely on others to fulfil us, we allow others to make us miserable. In expecting any one person to be solely responsible for providing for all your needs, we set ourselves up for disappointment. It’s decidedly unrealistic, unfair and – dare I say it – a tad passive-aggressive. (It’s also a helluva lot of pressure on our partner!)

I rather consider abdicating responsibility for your own happiness is something of an act of masochistic procrastination in that it prolongs any opportunity for the pursuit of genuine happiness and replaces it with a resentful whiney-arsed approach of hoping and wishing your life away – altogether a sure-fire road to disappointment! Happiness comes from achieving your life-goals, however modest they may be.

Asking someone else to take on (or worse, not asking them; just silently thrusting upon them) responsibility for fulfilling the dual-roles of mind-reader and wet-nurse suspends both partners in a tormenting cycle of hide-and-seek. Even when you get what you want, under these circumstances, it’s only ever a short-lived thrill, and, as Mick Jagger would attest – you can’t get no satisfaction. Ultimately, this leaves you resentful that your partner is unable to make you happy, when, in effect, it’s not them failing to make you happy – it’s you failing, by not being willing or empowered enough to get out there and make yourself happy!

Robbing yourself of the satisfaction that comes from reaching your goals (or, even in the worst-case scenario, the personal growth that stems from our failures) is the most soul-destroying disappointment of all. Far worse than the stinging pain of failure is the nagging torment of knowing you didn’t ever reach out for all that you wanted or could have been.

What sort of partner should we be looking for, if not someone who will complete us?
Someone whose stengths and weaknesses complement our own. Someone who makes us stretch, and grow. A partner who challenges our preconceptions and prejudices, and helps us confront our fears. We all need someone who understands the worst of us, and loves us regardless. Who helps us overcome obstacles and remove roadblocks, without always doing it for us. Someone who cares for us enough to know the difference between when we need help, and when we need to do something for ourselves.

This is not always the most comfortable of relationships, but it is surely the most rewarding.  I’m not saying that it’s the differences that make us happy, but it is the differences that make us grow and the compromises and shared experiences that lead to the  intimacy and togetherness that are the bond in any relationship.

Stop waiting for someone to give you the easy answers. Grab hold of your life! Challenge yourself to take personal responsibility for your own happiness – and all of your relationships will prosper.