I used to think relationships were all about love. Then I thought it was compromise…
Following several years of solid reflection following the implosion of my marriage, I’ve decided (at least for now!) that the driving force in interpersonal relationships is not our search for acceptance, but a desperate yearning to be understood.
It is not enough to be loved.
To be loved, or even accepted, without the surety of knowing that the other person deeply comprehends and appreciates every facet of who, how and why you are, (even if they don’t agree with you), is a hallow comfort.
Throughout my marriage, I was loved unconditionally. Despite all my faults (and there are PLENTY believe me!), my husband loved me dearly. He still does. But he did not understand me. Patty Smyth had it right when she and Don Henley teamed up to tell us that ‘Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough’. Amongst our loved ones, there are many who love us, but so very, very few truly able to understand what it is that makes us tick.
Even in our most selfish moments of self-celebration, when we’re receiving gifts for special occasions, it is those gifts given with insight, those that show that the giver truly understands us, that we appreciate the most. In relationships, from family to friends, colleagues and lovers, it is always those that leave us feeling , well, known, that move us most. We see it all the time in the best of good-guy, bad-guy movies. The only person who understands the hero is the villian and vice versa, with their growing, grudging respect for one-another cinching the final climax of the movie based on some deep, unperceiveable insight.
When it comes right down to it, in those most private, vulernable moments, when our guards are down, we dearly long to know that despite the unfathomable unknowing of life, someone, somewhere, totally and completely ‘gets’ us. (and, yes, loves us anyway!).
‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood’. So modern management theory (Stephen Covey et al) tells us, and – sod it – I think they might have something there! If you want to build a more meaningful relationship, stop trying to love your partner – and try getting to know them!
There is much in what you say. I have been kicking around for a while whether – in a world where Americans, and (let’s face it) the rest of us, vote for politicians on their personal narratives rather than their policies – we are trying to establish some kind of primacy for plot over much more important qualities. You know, things like character and ability.
In the same way, in relationships, we are each trying to tell our story – to be understood, rather than valued. Perversely, a relationship between two people each trying to explain himself/herself is probably doomed to failure. Think of the amount of sincere and respectful listening that goes on when politicians joust. To hear, one must first shut up.
(But, to be completely hypocritical, I have started to realise that my recent life resembles, in a grubby way, one of the more common situations from which many a rom-com starts. I hope not).
I love the expressive, colourful pictures you paint so vividly with your words. When, WHEN, will you write a book? You have have at least three grand novels in you, my friend.